Comment as you’d like. In the group people said things like; It’s ok to feel good. I don’t know how to feel good. I’m actually comfortable with being depressed and in the pit because it’s what I know. How do I get out of the pit?
New Landscape ~ DID/MPD Support Group
New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
We sometimes wish we were a machine that did not feel sad, lonely, or depressed. That did not think about things that would hurt the people we love. When we get “in a funk,” we do too much. Take on too many things, so we don’t have to feel or think about it. The problem is, it does not work forever.
i’m not actually comfortable when i’m in the pit, i just can’t figure out how to escape it.
i was thinking about an episode of star trek voyager, where everyone keeps getting caught in a dream state. their Wise Twenty-Fourth Century Native American character decided to do lucid dreaming, and used an image of earth’s moon to remind himself that he was in a dream state, so even when he thought he had woken up, if he saw that moon, he’d know he was still dreaming.
i think i need something like that, something planned when i’m lucid, that will help to pull me out.
one thing i’ve learned is that other people can’t always pull me out of it. it’s only been recently that i’ve been able to put my finger on the kinds of things i really need. when i’m in the state, the only words i have for it is “i need HELP. i want HELP to not feel so bad.”
and that’s too vague for people. i mean, the only way i wind up in the pit is if everything i’ve done to stay out of it has failed. so by the time i’m there, i’ve TRIED most of what people suggested, and it’s just not working any more.
in therapy a couple of weeks ago, my therapist hadn’t quite gotten what i was saying, when i was talking about the times when i’ll be using my coping skills to keep things together (meaning, to keep from being suicidal, but not saying that clearly), and she said, “well, what would happen if you *didn’t* try to keep things together?”
afterwards, it occurred to me to wonder. what if i didn’t try to not get suicidal? would the odds of getting there be as high? i’ve always thought that it’s only the self-discipline of not allowing my brain to go there that keeps me out. but maybe if the walls of the pit were shallower, it would be easier to climb out. what i mean is, maybe if i allowed myself to feel bad sometimes, if i let myself feel hopeless while i still had some coping skills available, then it would actually be easier to cope.
i’m not sure. i do know that everything ELSE about my healing process has been opposite-land. maybe the same thing is true about dealing with the suicidal feelings. maybe if i just gave into them, they wouldn’t have so much power. it’s certainly something to think about.
thinking about this some more. i have realized that a lot of the time when i am suicidal it’s because something has triggered me into the past. recognizing that it’s a trigger makes a difference, i think, although when i’m in the middle of being triggered, it feels very much about the present.
but the fact is, the intensity of it, that’s most likely about the past. i mean, even if i feel abandoned or hopeless or in overwhelming pain right now, that doesn’t mean i’m in a hopeless situation.
the weird thing is, when i was actually *in* the bad situations, i didn’t get suicidal. i didn’t get suicidal until i was well out of them. and that’s because i coped with the bad situation by focusing on getting *out* of it. i took the pain and hurt and anger and channeled it into surviving and getting out.
but once i was out, there wasn’t a place to channel the pain and hurt and anger. also, i had thought that getting out would make everything better. i mean, that’s the rational thing, right? if something causes you pain, and you get out of the situation causing pain, you should stop feeling pain, right? well, not so much.
so i guess that my response, with all of that pain still there, was to feel like it was about me, and not about the way the past kind of sticks to you. and don’t even get me started with the straight up flashbacks. it’s weird, i forget the flashbacks almost as soon as they happen. but those feelings are there. and i’m rational enough to know that the bad things aren’t happening any more. it might feel like they are, so that makes me feel like it must be inside of me.
and once i realized there was no escape, *that* is when i got suicidal. because i had to get out of it somehow, and if leaving the situation didn’t fix it… and i started therapy pretty soon after leaving home, and *that* wasn’t fixing it (mind you, there were years and years of therapy before i was properly diagnosed, but still….)
so i was feeling hopeless and overwhelmed.
i guess i’m mostly writing this to myself. or myselves.
Wow – I think this part that you said Jigsaw, is pretty profound for me to consider:
“i had thought that getting out would make everything better. i mean, that’s the rational thing, right? if something causes you pain, and you get out of the situation causing pain, you should stop feeling pain, right? well, not so much.”
And I’ve been wondering if the thing that I think is causing my pain – is really causing my pain! Or if there’s something more to it.
I think that the thing that has caused, or does cause pain now – maybe sets up some kind of dynamic – that is more profound than the actual thing that caused the pain to begin with.
Ok – I’m driving myself nuts. I know I’m really working on bringing myself to another level. I’m realizing how much of my current “problem” is really about me. I can’t change anyone or many things in this world – I can only attempt to change me. It doesn’t matter how bad of a thing happened to me or anyone – I’m still the only one who can change me. So when I find myself really struggling over pain caused by someone else – I realize how much it’s still about me.
And honestly – that’s enough of a realization to cause me to feel suicidal sometimes! Cuz, ya, it makes it seem like the pit is impossible to ever really get out of.
interesting. what’s been helping me most is learning how to express to other people that i need them to change. but then, my earlier dynamic was to just work on the assumption that i didn’t deserve to be treated well.
it’s true that i can’t make someone else change. but at the same time, i’ve come to believe that people who say they care about me might actually care about me, and therefore, might be willing to work on things for my sake, if not for their own. but it’s a long road, and it takes a lot of risks on my end.
one of the hardest things for me has been realizing how much the things that happened when i was growing up *hurt*, and being able/willing to even acknowledge that, rather than just bury it. and it’s like i have to do that over and over, since i can only realize a little bit of the pain at a time.
well, and with me, as i said, the suicidal stuff is so often a response to being severely triggered. i can’t remember if i wrote about this, but i saw a public service ad, i think for motorists being aware of bicyclists. here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrqrkihlw-s
watch it, and you’ll notice that you can totally miss something obvious, if you’re not looking for it. and so the triggers are like that. when i went through growing up, and even looking back, there are things that just didn’t register at all. and it’s like they stay erased from my awareness unless i remember to look for them very specifically. but at the same time, they do affect me in a really powerful way.
right now what i’m working on is being able to acknowledge where the pain is coming from. but that’s hard.