Talk about memory lapses and how you manage them.
New Landscape ~ DID/MPD Support Group
New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
Talk about memory lapses and how you manage them.
Memory lapses are a big issue for me. After an episode, I have no recollection of the trigger(s) or what hapenned during the time I was dissociated.
Sometimes I remember some faces that I see as I come out of the episode. Usually these faces are of the real people in front of me, but they have exaggerated features. I have no recollection of where I am: everything in the room looks foreign to me until I fully come out of the dissociation.
I have “taken” framed pictures off of walls and carried them around with me as I walked in circles. (Walking in circles is common for me but, again, I cannot recall this on my own.)
One time I was told that I got hit in the head with a soccer ball as I sat watching a game. I was dissociated before the ball hit my head, and I don’t recall it happening at all!
Now that’s a great force to be struck with, but still no recollection….
I also do not remember my problems with speech as I re-connect to the world around me. It seems that I talk gibberish or in mono-syllables that no one understands. (Again, so I’ve been told.)
I arrive at places carrying all sorts of items that I have gathered during my dissociation. One time, I’ve came home with an IKEA watering can and I was no where near any IKEA.
I’ve also been told that I repeatedly climb up and down on a chair, and other ill-behaviors.
So my coping mechanisms for all of this? A good cry. That is my typical behavior as I come to realize that I have just dissociated and lost track of all of my senses along with orientation to time and place.
Such is my struggle with memory lapses. It is all a mystery to me, and I usually feel very embarrassed and ashamed.
I am fearful of who might have seen my doing whatever. I seem to be a long way from resolving this issue to my satisfaction, and from being compassionate toward myself vs. holding onto fears and regret.
sorry for some typos above
my system developed some good coping skills, memory wise, when i was in high school. i noticed some problems with finding out things i’d agreed to, or not remembering things that i was supposed to do, so i (thinking there was just one of me at the time, even though, looking back, it was clear there wasn’t just one “me”)… but in this case, it probably was me, ellis. anyhow. i came up with some solutions, like making a “computer” in my head that would pay attention to the things going on around me, and give a brief re-wind of what had just been happening when i spaced out, or would give me reminders about things that had to be done.
i also got into the habit very early of both keeping things in the exact same place all the time, which helps with memory stuff (like my keys always go in my right front pocket, which annoyingly requires that i always *have* a right front pocket, but also means i can find my keys when i need them!)
in terms of losing time, though… it’s something i’m so used to that i guess i don’t feel too uncomfortable about it. i know there are parts who feel more uncomfortable than i do. the adults, for instance, try to access what was happening when they weren’t there, or to cover up, both for themselves and when they are talking with someone else. but even with them…. it’s been something like 12 years or more that collective-i learned about dissociation, and that i/we are high on that scale. so it’s just par for the course. we just kind of accept that there are things we’re not going to remember.
what’s weird is the more we communicate, the more that a variety of parts have access to more memories, which is neat. or at least we can overhear when a part is reminiscing, which is kind of the same thing.
and, largely as a cover-up thing, but maybe it’s how normal people do things… i/we have a series of i guess “official memories,” things that we don’t precisely remember, but we know the story pretty well, so if people are talking about their childhoods or their pasts, we can participate, because there are like a dozen or so memories that are kind of part of our life story.
the weird thing with memory is that i can remember pretty clearly when i was 15, and there was a school assignment where we were supposed to write about a vivid memory from more than 5 years before. i hadn’t realized until then that most people could remember their childhoods. i thought it was normal to have just kind of a vague knowledge, like where i had lived, or things like that (and that only worked with places where we lived somewhere for more than a year or so, which meant that i had pretty much no memory of when i was 4, 5, and 6, and not much from before that either, but i think that’s more normal).
Sometimes I’m not sure what counts as a “memory lapse”. I have instances that are recounted to me by others, that I don’t remember at all, but was obviously physically there for. I don’t have a lot of that though (I don’t think). I also have dissociated instances that I can basically remember, but just don’t feel in control of. Memories of these start to come back the next day or when a witness starts talking about what happened – then I’ll be able to kind of lock in and “find it” and “remember”.
I don’t know. I think this whole DID thing is about a BIG HUGE MEMORY LAPSE – and that’s what I’ve struggled with the most. The “why can’t I remember if I was supposedly there?” And “How can it be true if I don’t remember?”
Ya – one big memory lapse. Isn’t that what this whole DID this is?
Blah.
Memory, how I loath thee. Generally I do something and forget promptly after. Like (and this one sticks out because I was quite embarrassed about it), got a letter about a job application, (blue piping, business seal, blah blah blah) and tossed it on the counter to deal with later. Next day roles around, I come downstairs, peer at the same distinctive letter and figure it’s for my mother since it was on the counter. Go to give it to her, she says it’s mine and I got it yesterday, don’t I remember? And – then – I get the memory of plucking the letter out of the mailbox and dropping it on the counter for later. And I don’t do well with stressful/important convos, everything tends towards the fuzzy right after I leave. Or during, I’m not good at remembering my work history and they always ask, as if it wasn’t on the damn sheet of paper I’d given them earlier. I’m pretty sure it’s actually gotten worse in the last 8 or so years. I’ve a long memory, but it’s patchy. I remember specific things and the detail for them is excellent; layouts of a lot of the houses I’ve been in regardless of my age- 3,4,5, makes no difference- they’re just this side of as clear to me as where I lived last year. I’ve specific memories of youth but I don’t have my 2nd first grade teacher’s name. Or, come to think of it, my second grade teachers name or what either of them looked like. It’s a bit discerning. I am curious why I can remember the layouts from when I was much younger, though, you wouldn’t think that’s something to focus on.