Do you ever have the urge/desire to physically leave or go somewhere else? Do you ever fear “waking-up” somewhere else?
New Landscape ~ DID/MPD Support Group
New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
I have often had, and still periodically have, the SUPER strong urge to just take off in my car, or get on a plane to who knows where. I did get in my car and drive and drive. Just took off and didn’t tell anyone. Didn’t care. I wanted out. Away. People were upset with me for doing this. But I was about to explode. I just wanted to disappear. Ironically, I seem to be able to disappear without even going anywhere really. So probably don’t really even need a car…. !
I’ve had to fight against this urge many times. I usually get hammered back down by the recognition of consequences. I suppose that’s good. It’s either me who just wants to go – or another part of me – don’t know for sure. Probably both. Sometimes the urge is SO strong and I feel like I can’t stop it. Often I guess I do ‘leave’, just don’t end up as far away as I did once before.
I have driven and gotten lost. I know I switched. I believe we called for help to get back. Which seems dumb because I’m pretty good at finding my way eventually, even if I have no idea where I’m at. Well, I know I was not really all there/present – so that’s probably why.
I don’t know if I fear ending up somewhere else. I do have the sense that I could end up jetting off somewhere – switched – or in some kind of strong-willed mode that I can’t control. I do have the sense that it could happen. Maybe because I’m so often struggling against it. Maybe because it’s happened several times already, in several different ways. ….actually ya – it really has happened several times… hmmmm….. you know? I think I actually do it all the time really, just in small ways most of the time….. hmmmm
There are a lot of parts in the system who just want to go off somewhere. There are several who were initially called the “runaways,” because that was their main goal: getting away.
Lately, I’ve discovered that there is kind of a useful interaction between those parts, and the ones who are more directly suicidal. The runaways tend to get more active when the ones who are ready to just give up and commit suicide are active, so that instead of committing suicide, the major thinking is just about picking up and going somewhere else.
That’s not so helpful any more, in part because we’ve done some work over the past couple of years getting the runaways to understand that they can’t change how they feel just by leaving… so they are not as good a protection from the ones who are suicidal, because they no longer really believe they will solve their problems by leaving.
So I guess the next step is to get parts in general better able to tolerate being upset. And to get more “together” parts better able to support each other, rather than suppressing the parts who want to leave or have things change.
I guess I’m not too afraid of “waking up” somewhere else. With a few exceptions, the parts who want to leave don’t got into the car, and rarely get onto the train. So it’s easier to feel comfortable about their desire to leave when I have the knowledge that they aren’t really going to go very far. Perhaps it’s because they are mostly younger (like 12-14) and don’t actually *want* to be on their own. Or maybe it’s that they are able to listen to the parts who want a detailed and specific plan for what they are going to do before they’re allowed to go off somewhere. I don’t know.
I feel like escaping again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Maybe a scream needed to escape and that’ll do it…… guess we’ll see!
‘I don’t want to be here’
someone small inside
ping-pongs off the walls,
a terrified mouse trapped in a corner
trying to escape.
This random thought, as it seems to be
is easy to dismiss,
choke down,
suppress.
Until, inevitably some invisible thing inside
takes up the puppet strings
and I find myself running
and unable to stop.
Trapped underneath the debris
of my shattered consciousness,
dismissed, choked down, suppressed
just as I had done for so long before.
Now, locked on the inside I try
to communicate
but her ears are as deaf as mine.
This ‘escape’ of ours
has us drawn and quartered
her safe haven, my hell
my home, unfamiliar.
‘I want to go home’
and to each of us
this is a different place.
Z/fE – you’re a pretty great poet. Is this Long-cut?? You said:
“I want to go home
and to each of us
this is a different place.”
Ya – we can identify with that for sure. seems there’s a few places we like to be 2, or wish to be.
we let our host find a comfy spot to rest and escape – and told her it’s ok and we’ll be in charge for a day or so. so hope she feels alittle more rested before tomorrow starts up with busy and work again. we are finding it hard to breathe these days.
you are a pretty good poet Z/fE. mostly i dont like poetry but i know there are parts who do and they think yours is pretty good.
i am writing kind of with a question. i feel like im about to explode from something i dont know what exactly. i dont exactly want to escape i just really want to do bad things except i cant make myself do really bad things and the bad things i can think of that arent actually going to hurt me or someone else are things its legal for me to do like smoke cigarettes or skip school. i dont even go to school but that is the kind of thing i want to do stuff that is bad but i guess not grown up bad just teenager bad and i really want to explode because the only things i can think of that are grown up bad that i could do are really bad.
all my therapist says is really stupid stuff that isnt bad anyhow like ripping up paper or something and that isnt bad, its like healthy or something. i want to do things that are actually bad except not the things that are bad for adults because those are just wrong and i am not interested in hurting someone and i am tired of hurting myself when really all i want is something i can do thats bad.
does anyone ever feel like that?
Mmm – like you wanna do something ‘bad’. Ya. Make a dent. Make someone notice. Make someone get mad. Anything. Cause a ripple in the universe somehow.
we’ve made ‘bad’ drawings and pictures. not sure we were trying to be bad though – it’s just what came out. but I’ve known teens who like to draw/create shocking ‘bad’ things. like they put all the ‘bad’ there. expressed as much ‘bad’ as they wanted to. shocking stuff that would scare their mothers and all. or really dark music – they listen to that. or movies.
I WOULDN’T MIND THROWING PAINT ALL OVER MY WALLS AND WRITING STUFF IN RED PAINT – AND PUTTING A HAMMER THROUGH THE WALL OR SLASHING THE WALLS. MAYBE I NEED A ROOM FOR THAT. A REAL ROOM THAT I CAN BEAT UP AND MAKE UGLY.
-B
thanks for the poetry compliments, btw.
Sometimes I do things that I know are wrong. Small things. Setting fire to a piece of paper. Cutting my hair off when I know it antagonizes another part of me that wants to grow her hair really long.
i guess i just want to do that stuff that normal teenagers get to do like breaking rules and then someone cares enough about them to tell them to stop and stuff. but when youre a grown up, then youre supposed to stop yourself. and when i was a kid, well, it wasnt the kind of family where you could act out like that, not if you wanted to be ok. or else they wouldnt say anything. you could never tell. so i never got that chance and now i dont get it because i am grown up and im supposed to just keep on managing things for myself.
i mean, i guess i dont have to worry about someone hurting me or anything and thats ok and i dont want someone to hurt me. but i wish someone cared enough about me that they would pay attention and stuff.
i guess if i DID just leave then people would pay attention but it would be the wrong kind and probably just about how im not around to do stuff for them anymore and not because they care about how i feel, it would be all about how i made them worry and they feel bad and not about how i probably just didnt have some other way to be bad.
i dont know why i need to be bad so much and why i cant just have parts inside do the thing of stopping me except they dont really stop me they just get mad and as soon as they can they keep me from coming out that is the consequence but if i am stubborn and keep on top of things then they cant stop me from coming out or doing anything i want to and that is scary but i guess its the only thing i can do i dont know why i feel like i have to be out when i can hear the other parts going on and on about how i am ruining their life but i dont care because it just makes me mad when they say i am ruining their life i want to make them suffer because it hurts when they say that and the only way they are ok with me being out is if i do only the things they want to do and i dont think im really ruining their life at least the people we know say im not ruining their life so they should just shut up and maybe
i dont know maybe what because its not like things are going to get better because eventually i will hafta be a grown up or something and i guess maybe it is wrong for me to come out and not be able to act like a grown up but i am tired of doing that and taking care of myself i want someone else to take care of me for a change.