Talk about your struggles related to fear and/or how it might relate to your alters.
New Landscape ~ DID/MPD Support Group
New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
Talk about your struggles related to fear and/or how it might relate to your alters.
Sometimes I’ll be going about life and my heart will start to pound. I’ll see things move in shadows and suddenly become afraid of things that I can’t see.
I won’t know what the source of the fear is, and will think to myself “I am not afraid of anything” and will shove it off into a corner. I’m still coming to terms with my DID and am afraid that I am somewhat abusive toward my alters. I frequently hear myself yell “SHUT UP!” inside my head.
I’m afraid that I am abusing my parts. I know that I am abusing my parts. And I hate myself for it, but at the same time I’m afraid of letting them come out. I’m afraid of losing my position. I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of what they’re trying to tell me… Probably because they always tell it to me when I am not in the position to listen safely.
And then I’m in therapy and they disappear. I’m convinced my therapist thinks I’m faking everything because they either don’t come out or they speak about themselves only in third person. I’m afraid of being seen as a fake, or worse- of being humored. My mother always humored me even when she thought I was faking something. I hated that. I’d rather be called out as a fake than be humored.
a lot of times, we’ll get the panic feelings that another part is feeling. because it’s a very physical sensation, you know? so if someone is feeling something emotionally, that feeling goes into the body so that whoever else is anywhere near being present feels it too.
so it’s taken a lot of work to figure out who is actually scared, and why. what i used to do (and i think a lot of the others as well) was just think “hm, i’m feeling scared… what about?” and then i’d find something that i could say was causing the fear for *me*…. but as it turns out, i was just getting the physical sensations, so all the therapy techniques i would use to ground *myself* didn’t make a connection with the part who was actually scared.
some, it’s helped to work on getting the more submerged parts to understand the present. because once i know that they’re afraid because of things that happened 20 or more years ago, then i can talk them through. like, “well, ok, yes, that did happen. but it happened TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO. i know for CERTAIN it hasn’t happened in more than 16 years. so let’s start paying attention to where we are NOW.”
but of course they’re not so easily convinced.
i also sometimes yell at the other parts. the adults in the system just have a habit of ignoring them. (the adults wind up getting WAY more headaches, because of this.) but there’s a song the little kids like, about a family riding in the car, and it gets noisier and noisier, and then the mom shouts “would everybody please be QUIET?!” so i use that line when i can, because it helps them understand why i need them to be quiet. (does that make any sense?)
i’ve also worked with other parts on learning how to make a “box” or something for their emotions, and teaching them to put their feelings they can’t cope with into that box, so we can take them out in therapy or when we are writing in our journal (when that is able to happen.)
but i still get TONS of panic. about things i need to do all the time, like housework (HUGE trigger) or being near people i don’t know, or getting on the subway if it’s “crowded” (and by “crowded” they tend to mean “has people sitting on 80% of the seats”) or answering the phone or really, doing just about anything.
it’s hard for me, since one of the reasons i first showed up was to have the ability to go ahead and do things even though collective-me was having a panic attack or feeling really exhausted or overwhelmed. and it’s hard for me to not just keep doing whatever it was, because i know it’s something that needs to get done. and it’s INCREDIBLY hard for me to ask for help, because that never worked well in the past. and it’s been frustrating, because the more i tune into how i and other parts are feeling, the less i’m able to do, because once i allow myself to notice the physical pain or anxiety, the harder it is to go ahead and do the things i wanted to do.
OH MY GOSH! Fragmentized, I argee with you!!!!!!!!! when im a alone mostly i feel i see a shadow in the corner of my eye and look quickly and see nothing,… and i start to sweat and get nervous, and soemtimes my heart rate gets up. but with soemone it happens like that… but im sterotyped into my house which is so called haunted so i jsut dont think anythign of that. but that isnt very realated to my alter,… that just happens. and yes i fear what is true/fake. someone told me all int time, truth will show. but im impatient so that will be a problem.
mmmmmmm – ya – I think time will tell. I’ve needed LOTS of time to really start to understand things. I used to want to rush – not anymore – time is my friend in some ways – bringing the truth when “it’s time”.
As for fear – I’m less afraid of my ‘aliens’ now than I used to be. Even friendly with them I’d say. Time is helping with that too. God knew I’d need time.