What do you think defines “getting better” as a DID person? How do you think others define it?
New Landscape ~ DID/MPD Support Group
New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
What do you think defines “getting better” as a DID person? How do you think others define it?
Yikes. I think the DID ‘professionals’ (whoever they really are that have this figured out – ha!) would generally say that a healthy DID person, is one who is integrated and no longer has “parts”.
I am thankful that my counselor focuses on something else though – and that is functionality. We are working on being functional in life with work, relationships, family and ourself! If we can get to a point of functioning well in life and feeling pretty good internally – well that seems pretty successful – whether we’re integrated or not.
I kind of think “integration” can mean a couple different things too. Like, we could function in an integrated manner, or we could no longer be a ‘we’ but only an ‘I’. Maybe there’s another version of “integration” too.
I don’t know for sure, but being a functional person(s) has been my goal. I’m not really worried about whether or not I/we integrate as one some day.
what’s funny is that a lot of my therapy has focused on allowing myself to be *less* functional. the goal, i think, is to learn how to be functional in a healthy way. a way that allows me to take care of myself and all of that. but what it means in the day to day is figuring out how to say, “well, ok, i will actually survive if i DON’T do all of these things that would make me seem more functional.”
i guess for me, getting better is mostly about healing from the abuse, rather than healing from DID. because, let’s face it, DID is not what caused all of the pain, and it’s not what is causing the flashbacks and panic attacks and bouts of severe depression, and the other things that are making my life so difficult.
heck, even a lot of the conflict between parts has more to do with the ways that we learned to communicate (or NOT) with each other, in order to just get through our childhood. and with the struggle between different versions of “safety.” and with the need for some parts to express various emotions, and other parts to suppress them.
so my goal is to be able to process through the things that cause all of us to be upset and unhappy. another goal is to learn how to communicate with each other, and to treat each other more respectfully. and how to work together a little better.
i’m working really hard to let go of my original ideas of what it means to be “functional.” it’s hard, because… well, particularly for me (ellis) and for the adults in the system, being functional (getting a lot of work done, being productive, being immensely capable and self-sufficient) was a response to some of the abuse.
there is probably a version of functional that is my goal as well. i mean, i definitely want to be coping better, don’t get me wrong. but at the same time, i feel like it’s important to learn that life will go on if i don’t do all the things i think i should.
that said, i do get the bills paid, and myself fed, and maintain relationships. i have shelter and clothing, and access to the things i need. i’m not finding myself in strange places and not knowing how i got there. so there is a level of functioning that is going along quite nicely, and that will stick around to be built on once other things are dealt with.
oh, and as for integration….
i think there *is* another version, even. grace (another part in the system) was thinking about this a while ago, and it really makes sense to me. basically, it’s a version of integration where each part is able to gather the various aspects of themselves, and make themselves into a more whole person, and to be more self-aware.
so it’s like, it turns out that grace is not *only* suicidal feelings. she is also one of the ones who really likes to read, and who enjoys painting and writing stories. or cleo (one of the adults) isn’t *just* the capable one who can go on as though nothing is wrong. she’s also inclined to depression, and to being fiercely anxious about EVERYTHING.
for my system, one thing that’s helped has been having names that aren’t just descriptions of a part’s job. because it turns out, that allows us to acknowledge the parts of ourselves that don’t otherwise “fit” with the job we have. and it gives us a chance to focus more on healing from the pain, and to not be quite so afraid that once the pain is gone, we’ll disappear. (not sure who was just writing that, since it wasn’t me, ellis).