Talk about anything related to anger and how you deal with it.
New Landscape ~ DID/MPD Support Group
New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
Talk about anything related to anger and how you deal with it.
I HATE feeling angry. Yet it’s been about all I’ve been feeling lately. I hate it – hate it – hate it!! So – looks like I’m angry about being angry! Which pisses me off even more! ARg…..
We totally agree. We hate being angry and we have no respect for our own anger and we fear anyone else’s anger. For some unknown reason we are just not supposed to have anger but we do have it, we hate it and we don’t respect it. Most of it is inner-directed. We don’t get angry with others much at all (probably because we find the anger of others completely terrorizing) so mostly, we just get angry at ourselves for not finding a better way to handle something than getting angry about it. We do have a temper just like anybody else does and it seems to be at its worst internally when we are tired. The therapist person tells us we are supposed to have anger and some things require anger in life and we should learn to express that. Well if you speak when you are angry you might hurt someone’s feelings (we usually do if we allow for speech when we are angry) and then you have to fix it because it isn’t right to hurt someone’s feelings no matter what. Sometimes anger (verbal only) will just do a sneak attack and be an out there thing and it’s just awful. We only end up hating ourselves for being angry in the first place and we figure there must be a better way, so we just let a particular part (the no-feel anything part) deal with the situation and express nothing so we don’t hurt someone’s feelings by accident and we don’t end up hating ourselves for it either. That’s all we know to do and we are sure it is NOT the most appropriate thing to do therapeutically. We can’t read these words in that box below.
the other day in therapy, i came up with a pretty good analogy for my (ellis’) approach to anger.
we were talking about some stuff from my past, and my feelings about it, and my feelings about my family. and i talked about how rational knowledge i have does a lot to mute the anger i have. i mean, knowing how much of the abuse i experienced was tied to other people being in what i’d say were dissociative states… it makes that whole “abused children seeing their parents as different people, the loving caring one and the abusive one” thing even more stark. i mean, my mother in particular… she herself doesn’t clearly remember what happens as she goes from one state to another. i don’t think she’s got DID, but she is certainly way up there on the dissociative scale.
i mean, yeah, i still feel angry, because a person is responsible for what they do no matter what their state. but the anger is muted by compassion for the person and all of that. because, you know, you don’t get to be this dissociative without a reason.
anyhow. on to the analogy.
so my therapist was asking about how it would feel to express anger that was there.
and i said that anger is like a red shirt. now, probably, if i found that i was already wearing the red shirt, i would make one set of choices about it. i could wear it, or i could choose to take it off, or whatever.
but for me, it’s like the red shirts are all locked away in a cabinet, and i don’t have the combination to the lock on the cabinet. and to get to the point of wearing the red shirt (ie, expressing anger), i would have to go to the cabinet, figure out what the combination was, and then change my clothes to put on the red shirt.
as we continued with the analogy, we added the fact that the cabinet full of red shirts is maybe in front of the closet filled with the rest of my clothes (aka emotions). and to get to those emotions, i have to squirm my way around the cabinet. it’s inconvenient to say the least. but it’s also something i’m used to. and, like an elephant in the living room, you can get really used to just working your way around an obstacle.
and the analogy continued, because i realized, it wasn’t just the red shirt of anger. because the red shirt of anger, for me, is pretty well tied to the black pants of grief, and the uncomfortable shoes of guilt. so i can’t deal with those red shirts without having a lot of other unpleasant emotions to go along with them.
so i keep just going around the obstacle of the cabinet (or wearing the ratty gray sweatsuit of depression and numbness, which is the only clothes that aren’t either in the cabinet or stuck in the closet).
anyhow. mostly, i’m posting this because i’m really pleased with the analogy. but also, because it *is* about anger, and dealing with anger. and maybe, because i’m starting to think about figuring out the combination on that lock, because i’d really like to be able to wear some different outfits more easily. ;P
I’m STILL angry!!! And I STILL hate it!!!! I don’t wanna feel this way! I don’t wanna feel so angry. I HATE IT!!!!!
it’s not raining–are you busy, or can you go knock down some trees?
anger isn’t so fun… well, sometimes it is for me. it’s like, BOOM!!! that can be kind of fun, when i get to the point where i can really let it out. i don’t like to do that to people, because i don’t really like to hurt someone else’s feelings. but, boy, the times when i can really let myself go… it’s kind of fun.
sometimes i go to the dollar store and get things just for the purpose of destroying them. like toys or something. it’s awfully satisfying to me.
a lot of other parts of my system don’t like to be angry. and sometimes they get upset with me for being angry. but i’ve been showing them i can be angry without messing things up too much. and really, sometimes i think it’s good for them if i come out and express anger over things, so long as i can remember not to be a jerk about it. like with w–there are things i KNOW the others want to say to her, but they don’t, and then i come out and DO, and then things are a little better. because at least the stuff is getting talked about, you know?
but it’s taken some time to convince them it’s ok.
Well – that’s what we did – we went and axed another dead tree. Didn’t get it down yet – but we worked on it a long time. We’ll be back. We’ll get it down. My T says that mayep this relates to our life too – maybe there are some dead trees that need to go down.
Maybe so. I don’t care. I – WE – just needed to hack at something. We were having images of hurting ourself or our dogs and feeling nuts-os. So axing away at a tree was much better option. Chips fly, noise is made, and we use all our energy. And when the tree falls –
BOOM!! ITS AWESOM WHEN THE TREE FALLS. I LIKE THAT PART.
i’m feeling pretty angry right now. trying to make myself do the things i have to do, instead of just walking out of the house and not coming back. not a good idea, and i do more or less know that. and it would mess up several other peoples’ lives if i didn’t take care of my responsibilities.
maybe it’s time to blast some music in my headphones (in case the neighbor’s baby is napping–i’m not mad at *them* so it wouldn’t make sense to do something that would only annoy *them*.
just want to walk out of the house and not come back for a while, though. or to scream at someone, but that’s not even an option, because when she was calling to leave the message that pissed me off, she also said her cell phone was dead, so i can’t call her to talk about it, which i think is another part of what pissed me off, and what’s making me so angry.
I think leaving is a good option sometimes. Then I don’t say anythiing I might regret. My only problem is leaving without saying where I’m going… which I’ve done before….. probably because I wanted them to HURT in my absence!! So – I think leaving can be done ‘well’ – like leaving a note that says I’ve left for a bit/while/day/week?! and needed some time.
Leaving is better than hurting myself or someone else. And it helps me maintain at least a little sanity. Leaving the situation – helps me to breathe, and to see better. ….then maybe I can come back and be a little more reasonable. MAYBE!
yeah. the problem is, i don’t WANT to say where i’m going. that’s the entire point. i know i’ll be back here before too late, because there really isn’t anywhere TO go.
oh, and by the way–i was the one who wrote the earlier comment, not teller and mandy.
uh – ya. Well, like I said – I’ve up and left before without saying anything too. The world didn’t end when i did that either. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
i guess one of these days i really need to leave for longer than a few hours. bah. but there really isn’t anywhere to hang out in my ‘hood after ten, unless i want to go to a bar, and i’m not especially interested in going to hang out at a bar.